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AUTODECEPTITRON

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This whole conservative Christian concept of modesty along with sexual purity is one of the primary reasons why I have anti-theistic leanings, because it nearly drove me to suicide. From my late teenage years to my early 20s, I was afflicted with this unimaginable guilt because I was trying to remain pure but failing, and feeling like nowhere was safe for me to go because I’d be “setting wicked things before my eyes” if I saw girls “inappropriately dressed” which caused me to do a lot of self-isolating, as well as having visions of mutilating my own genitals.

To this day, I still suffer from social awkwardness and anxiety around women my age. Worst of all, I tried to commit suicide at age 19, because I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I hated being at war with my own flesh. That’s no way for anyone to live, and I wouldn’t wish it upon my own worst enemy.

Now, all I have is bitterness and resentment because of it.

Anytime I talk about how much I hate Christianity, “lukewarmers” will get all mad and say that that’s not what Christianity is all about, which really pisses me off, because they have no fucking idea. Reminds me a lot of Rambo’s words at the end of First Blood: “Who are they to protest me, huh!? Who are they—unless they’ve been me, or been there, and know what the hell they’re yelling about!?”

I mention Rambo because I feel like I was forced into a war that I didn’t want to be a part of, and it destroyed me.

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I graduated in the 2011-2012 semester, leaving school as a socially inept dweeb with Aspergers, and now, 10 years later and nearly 28 years old… nothing has changed.

I’ve never been on a date, because if I try to by nice women will be like “Oh, get away from me, you creep!” It makes me so fucking angry. Women are a impossible to please. Hell, even women that I don’t find physically attractive are still creeped out by me. What kind of bullshit is this!?

Oh, and to make matters worse, I literally live in my parents basement; I shit you not, that’s actually where I live. Not saying that I don't have a job, or anything. In fact, I do have a job, although it isn't really helping much in my life as it's so stressful.

If I try and talk to my parents about it, they’ll be like, “Oh, you’re just being too negative,” or that kind of bullshit.

I’m so tired of it all, I don’t want to commit suicide, or anything like that, but it’s tough. And also, I’m not saying I’m an incel either, I’m just saying that trying to get women to find me attractive is draining.

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Dr. Philism

1 min read
"The word 'but' means: forget everything I just said, I'm now going to tell you what I really mean."

—Dr. Phil
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(The following list was inspired by evilbible.com)

YOU MIGHT BE A FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIAN, IF...

10: You think that banning mandatory prayer in public schools is a form of persecution.

9: You constantly remind us that Jesus died for our sins, then get offended when people say, "God is dead."

8: You think that evolution is stupid because your pastor told you that it says mankind came from dirt and rocks, yet see no problem with believing that Adam was created from the dirt.

7: You say "God hates sin!" while forgetting that he created sin, and voluntarily decided to hate it.

6: You believe that anyone who abandons Christianity was never a real Christian to begin with, regardless of whether you knew anything about the person's life or not.

5: You're none the wiser when your pastor says that scientists who push evolution are only motivated by money, and then hands out the offering plate.

4: In one sentence you say, "God is just!" and in another you say, "God is merciful!" (He cannot be both.)

3: You cry "out of context" when someone mentions a contradiction or abhorrent passage in the Bible, yet you're completely oblivious when taking quotes of scientists out of context to "refute" evolution.

2: Although you're extremely skeptical of contradictory evidence presented by well-educated skeptics, you think that an ex-suicidal drug user claiming to have visions of Jesus "proves" Christianity.

1: You claim that atheists can't appreciate the value of life, yet you want nothing more than for this life to end.
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Was I a victim of Spiritual Abuse?

I suppose so.

I was taught if I had sexual desires, I was a sinner. This all happened during my teenage and early college years. The statement that Jesus allegedly made that if you're to "look upon a woman with lust" (Matthew 5:28) really did a lot of damage to me. I was scared to be in public, because I was taught that "temptation is everywhere," in school, on the beach, and even in churches. I would feel physically ill whenever I saw a girl that I thought was physically attractive. Women were viewed as nothing but "temptresses" to be avoided. Those four years that this happened were the worst time of my life. I asked myself sometimes "I God, why didn't you just make me sterile so that I don't have to go through this, or why don't you just kill me?" I even had thoughts about mutilating my own genitals, much like what the church father Origen of Alexandrea allegedly did. Worst of all, I had suicidal thoughts, but didn't have the guts to go through with it fortunately.

I didn't want to live like this anymore, and that is why I lost my faith.
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