This whole conservative Christian concept of modesty along with sexual purity is one of the primary reasons why I have anti-theistic leanings, because it nearly drove me to suicide. From my late teenage years to my early 20s, I was afflicted with this unimaginable guilt because I was trying to remain pure but failing, and feeling like nowhere was safe for me to go because I’d be “setting wicked things before my eyes” if I saw girls “inappropriately dressed” which caused me to do a lot of self-isolating, as well as having visions of mutilating my own genitals.
To this day, I still suffer from social awkwardness and anxiety around women my age. Worst of all, I tried to commit suicide at age 19, because I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I hated being at war with my own flesh. That’s no way for anyone to live, and I wouldn’t wish it upon my own worst enemy.
Now, all I have is bitterness and resentment because of it.
Anytime I talk about how much I hate Christianity, “lukewarmers” will get all mad and say that that’s not what Christianity is all about, which really pisses me off, because they have no fucking idea. Reminds me a lot of Rambo’s words at the end of First Blood: “Who are they to protest me, huh!? Who are they—unless they’ve been me, or been there, and know what the hell they’re yelling about!?”
I mention Rambo because I feel like I was forced into a war that I didn’t want to be a part of, and it destroyed me.
I graduated in the 2011-2012 semester, leaving school as a socially inept dweeb with Aspergers, and now, 10 years later and nearly 28 years old… nothing has changed.
I’ve never been on a date, because if I try to by nice women will be like “Oh, get away from me, you creep!” It makes me so fucking angry. Women are a impossible to please. Hell, even women that I don’t find physically attractive are still creeped out by me. What kind of bullshit is this!?
Oh, and to make matters worse, I literally live in my parents basement; I shit you not, that’s actually where I live. Not saying that I don't have a job, or anything. In fact, I do have a job, although it isn't really helping much in my life as it's so stressful.
If I try and talk to my parents about it, they’ll be like, “Oh, you’re just being too negative,” or that kind of bullshit.
I’m so tired of it all, I don’t want to commit suicide, or anything like that, but it’s tough. And also, I’m not saying I’m an incel either, I’m just saying that trying to get women to find me attractive is draining.